A friend told me this story a couple of years ago. I’ve never really doubted the authenticity of it because he’s not a nerd, and barely knows how to turn a computer on.

He was living with his wife, kids, brother in law and his in-laws at the time. So it was a full house. He’d had a few drinks so when he woke up at 3am he was thirsty. He went downstairs.

When he got to the kitchen he saw the laptop there, and thought he’d knock one out. It was risky, but he’d be quick and quiet, no harm done.

So he turned it on, put the headphones on and found some porn. It was quiet so he turned the volume up. After he jizzed he took the headphones off to start the cleanup and realised. The porn sound was coming from the laptop speakers. The headphones weren’t plugged in.

Same guy told me after having sex with his wife one night he’d took the condom off and put it on the bedside table. In the morning he saw he’d put it in his glass of water and realised he had been sipping his diluted spunk all night.